How To Rob A Bullion Van
There are many ways to rob a bullion van, and I’ll tell them to you.
George always warned me that anyone can pick up recipes, plans, instructions and put them to their own use. I should probably listen to him, but I need you to know.
The fastest and cleanest way is teleportation. Unfortunately for you, you'll need to learn how to do the short distance version. Everyone thinks it's useless, so no one bothers to set alarms for it, nor do they know how to track it. I never really excelled at magic in school, so I learned what most people considered party tricks, which includes short distance teleportation. For a while, it helped, a buffer against the sharp insults of students from more powerful and distinguished families. And besides, non-magic boys like George always thought my tricks were cute. But George, with his small eyes and callused hands and beautiful dark skin that glowed in the late afternoon sun, he was the first to think I was cute too. It wasn’t hard for us to become boyfriends. I know you understand—you dated him too.
Go and learn this sort of teleportation first, then come back and continue reading. I know it will cost us some time, but I’ll manage. I’ve had to manage the last two years to get mailing privileges already. But don’t take too much time, or the next message you get will be a bomb.
To rob a bullion van, you'll need:
1 pouch of white powder (I don't mean Petals or any Oyibo rubbish; ask your parents’ babalawo, he'll have what I’m talking about)
2 yards of wall gecko skin
2 yards of chameleon skin (if you can find it sha, it's only necessary for steps 8 downwards)
As many bags as one person can carry in their hands
A car
A getaway driver
Make sure you conduct the robbery in a place where someone spontaneously disappearing from a car will not raise eyebrows. I suggest Lagos evening traffic. I mean it’s already where people's penises go missing in broad daylight.
This step will probably take you days. For George and I, it took serendipity and imagination. To be honest, it began through pure luck. Two bullion vans passed our car and I suggested it as a joke. What if we stole from it?
It wasn’t a joke to George. His mouth twisted and his eyes went hard. He never brought it up, but every September, his shoulders would droop when his family members called, the same way my father’s drooped every time he paid my school fees.
The sight made my chest hurt.
And so, squished in that taxi with other musky passengers, I whispered the plans I’m telling you now.
I forgot to write this in the previous step: find the route of a bullion van. It’s really not so hard. Just watch an ATM for a few days. When they come to deposit cash, follow them back to where they came from. But do it discreetly! If you fail here, you’re a waste to me.
Get all the things I listed. You’ll probably have to travel to Port Harcourt to buy the skins from the Mami Wata market there. Or if you email and ask them to Waybill or teleport it to you, that’s fine too. Personally, I’ve always found clothes shopping to be better in person.
Get a tailor to sew a tracksuit from the skins. Go to my tailor in Yaba. He won’t ask questions. Actually, he’ll be excited to see you, since I owe him some extra money because of George. You’ll have to pay that before he listens to you. Sorry.
Your getaway driver should be someone you pay for their services. Not someone you “trust.” Trust can expire, loyalty can be faked. I should know: George’s sister was our getaway driver, and look what happened. But money, money is binding in ways you can’t imagine.
On that day, take out your powder. Draw the symbols you learned for short distance teleportation. By now, and you should know this, be wary of how intricately simple they are. Make one mistake, and you risk your legs. Again, if you fail here, you’re useless to me.
You should be in the van now. The sight of so much money will make your eyes bulge, you will want to take it all in.
You should not spend more than two minutes in the van.
Read number 9 again.
You may need to spend more than two minutes. Another car may overtake your car. Traffic may not be on your side. Your getaway driver may suddenly die from the curse of an ex. Your heart will accelerate as your watch ticks past two minutes. You will believe you are done for.
For some people, the journey will end here. Very few can survive once those two minutes elapse. But if you think you can survive, if you have balls of steel, then read on.
Kill yourself.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I said that. George betrayed me. My boyfriend of five years lied to me. He said that our outfits were both made correctly, but mine were made only from gecko skin. That’s how they caught me, and not him, because his made him blend into the van. Now you know. Make sure your clothes that day are made from BOTH THE CHAMELEON SKIN AND WALL GECKO SKIN.
On dark days, huddled in the dark corner of this concrete entrapment, I know my incarceration is my fault. Would George have known the properties of chameleon skin if I hadn’t told him? How was I supposed to know that he would take the first chance to betray me?
…
Anyway, back to what I was saying.
Don’t get caught. Nothing is worth spending even a day in this hole. When did prisons start employing fire breathing goats as guards? They shit everywhere and burn you if your shadow so much as extends past the fence.
When you’ve filled your bags with cash, draw your return symbols right away, and let traffic come between you and the van. Everything must look organic. Well, as organic as Lagos traffic can be. Don’t stress too much about this part.
When you’re done, hide this letter somewhere even you don’t know. Don’t worry. With the stolen money you use to break me out of here, I’ll be able to teach you much more than this. George was right; anyone can put whatever knowledge is out there to their own use. So, let’s teach him why that shouldn’t be the case.
© 2025 Plangdi Neple
About the Author
Plangdi Neple is a Nigerian writer and editor whose dark and fantastical tales have appeared in magazines such as Anathema, Cast of Wonders, and FIYAH. A lover of the weird and unnatural, his works draw inspiration from Nigerian myth, folklore and tradition. He is a co-recipient of the Milford 2024 Bursary, and a Voodoonauts 2024 Fellow. Find him at plangdineple.wixsite.com/plangdi, @plangdi_neple on Twitter (X) and @plangdineple.bsky.social on bluesky.